Embarrassed

Waking up this Thursday felt different... Tiring. I guess I wasted all my energy the night before and didnt get enough rest. So I decided to continue resting until later on.
Afterwards, I woke up and started to get things done at home cause I wanted to go out. But after getting ready I couldn't get intouch with anyone who was free. So I called up a friend of mine who lives nearby and asked if he wants to go out. He agreed and I went to pick him up. After two hours or so I dropped him back and got a call from a friend asking if I wanted to chill at a club so I went and met the guy outside -I am two months away from turning 21, so technically I'm still underage-.
We got to the door and the security looks at me and asks for ID. At this point I'm abit confused because I usually just go in without questions asked. So I assumed that he just needs to see an ID before going in. Instead he returns the ID, looks at me, and says I can't get in. Why? I'm underage. I didnt say anything after that, we just went outside and my friend asked me why did I give my ID. I replied saying I didn't know that it would've been a problem since you were allowed in. Apparently the security thinks my friend is 23 when infact his only 19, it's just that he has never shown his ID. I got really annoyed and just left them all saying clearly I can't do sh*t now might as well return home.
Yes, I was embarrassed. The thing that annoys me is I'm always being put in the spot with these friends. From confronting me about being a man. To seeing me as a joke. No confidence,  no personality, nothing. And all I do is try and try to change but it's f*cking my mind up. I think about the way I am and feel sorry for myself. This is really hard.

Night out with the guys

I decided to meet up with friends. To be honest I was expecting a friend but wasn't surprised when I saw two others with him. Anyways, during our chillout night I couldn't help but notice that I was going to be under the spotlight.
One of the friends that came had always tried to understand me. I guess it was because I was always smiling and happy. I guess being like that made it obvious the kind of person i am. The type that, like I've mentioned to them, is peaceful and happy.  But tonight, being a guys night, was the night he decided to 'change' me. Making me realize the type of guy I am. To be honest, I hate being put into a situation where I am exposed.
The discussion was primarily me not being a man. My attitude and especially my personality are complete fags. Giggling and being nervous seemed to be my only sabiour st the moment. I know I don't have strong comebacks but being hit by truth when unexpected really does affect me severely.
The test of manhood, until today I do not understand the logic or importance of it defining who you are. Punching or even kicking a person to show your a man doesn't make sense to me. Explaining that by doing this it shows how you'd react to such a situation doesn't make sense to me. I can see a line separating friends from foe. I assume that it is what alerts me to know when something is not right. But to tell me that you should hit back then ask question as a way to protect your pride no matter who it is, I am soft. I am soft. I am soft and until I  change I will forever be soft. That's my choice.

Slowly Improvising

I finally got the chance to blog again; being busy working for a complete month at the festival.
The reason it's a struggle is because I blog with a phone on my bed at night..
Recently I found this app on Play Store that is great in my opinion, Push ups got me working out everyday hard,  I even downloaded Sit ups and Squat all by same developer. Anyways, the point is working out everyday changes how the day would end.

Determined for Change

Getting hit by reality is not uncommon for me. I think it applies to everyone, although whether or not you respond to it determines the importance of it. But how to confront reality? Well, before physically going all out on it, take a step back.. absorb your surrounding and no I'm not referring to what's obviously in front of you, but more of a realization of you at that exact moment at that very spot you're in, all that you have encountered and fought through to get to where you are now, no matter what path it may have led you, just absorb it all in...
The next step, strive for change. You may think all is well and change is unnecessary,  but the truth is you've got to change, why else would reality strike? The goal may be the same everytime like changing to a better you, you're not doing it wrong, you're just doing it one step at a time.. My reality, this time, is to grow up. Leave everything aside and just grow up...

Disturbed

I find myself looking into mirrors more than others. Or at least stare at it differently than others do. I mean, you stand there looking to see if your hair is done well, if you've got a zit on your forehead, or even admire yourself after dressed and looking your best. But for me, I stand there looking deeply in, focused completely, staring at the beast staring back at me. His thoughts are mine, and my actions are his. I know nothing of him, yet he knows everything about me. He mocks me, and I feel paralyzed.. Yet he's always there with me. Judging me? Correcting me? I can't tell. I just know he understands me better than anyone including myself...

Wet Day

I left home early morning to drop my sis off to school. Usually at this time the sky would brighten up and that morning scent would surf the air around. But instead, dark clouds had covered the sunlight from passing through and the smell of rain lurked the streets.
Light drops of rain  as we head towards her school. Once I dropped her off, not long after making a move I could feel the air getting colder and it was obvious the rain was increasing. As I passed the airport, that's when the rain showered down hard, I had my wipers on high just to get a chance to see the road infront of me that's covered in the mist. Soon after that I reached home safely..
The ride was intense being in a sedan, but I enjoyed experiencing that by myself. A great day plus my car got a free wash.. :)

Job Hunt

Looking for a job to apply for isn't simple. Whether it's a part time job or permanent, the process remains somewhat the same. I got to balance it with college timings and my free time. The job shouldn't require much effort and it should be reasonably fair. I don't know where will I find it. Hopefully I sort it out soon, I want to start saving up for many things, of which a trip to Poland in the summer and generally provide another source of income at home.
I've got a number to call later on to find out some information he's got relating to getting a job. Until then, fingers crossed...